The "big" family - comebacks

After reading and laughing at this post from the Joyful Chaos, I realized just how many comments I've heard and filed away over these past 12 years.

Nowadays anything over 2.5 is "big family," right?
After NatureMan was born, I was told several times, "You have the perfect family, a boy and a girl so you can be done now." Yes, people actually said that out loud. As if they knew what perfect was for my family. ha. It might very well be perfect for his or hers or yours, but certainly not for everyone.

When I kept getting pregnant, the comments became:
"You know what's causing that, right?"
Depending on my mood, I'd answer:
a: "Yes, and I like it."
b. "Yes, but if YOU don't, go ask your Mom."
c. "No TV in the bedroom."
d. "Whipped cream and sleeping kids."

Or the "My, you have your hands full."
This is a tricky one, because the tone of voice and expression say a lot more than the words. I've had sweet little ladies say that in the kindest, most sincere way... and rather mean shaking-head midlifers say it in a tone that implied they would pay for my tubes to be tied.
Possible answers depend on the intention of the comment, naturally:
a. "We can’t figure out where they’re all coming from!"
b. "You should see how many I left at home!"
c. "I'd rather have them full than empty."
d. "Full hands and fuller hearts."
e. "I don't know how I survived before all these little helpers came along!"

Where I live large-ish families aren't everywhere, but they're not exactly rare either. We're in a very homeschool friendly state, and our county has more homeschoolers than any other county in AR. There's a lot of encouragement and understanding from most people. But there's always some who just can't mind their own business. Curiosity is fine and dandy, and I'm completely happy to honestly answer sincere questions... but nosiness or judgement isn't as easy to deal with.

I have 4 kids (3 boys, back to back), and I often take on a few "strays," whether it be my niece and nephew or neighbor kids or families who drop by for playdates. I've actually had people stop and ask if I run a daycare. ;)
The other day I was babysitting my sister's kids, the neighbor boy came over, and a friend and her three kids stopped by to play. My friend Tob and I chatted just fine, while 10 kids played inside and out. If anything, it was easier having them all here together-- everyone had a person to pair up with or a group to join!

Being part of a large family means there's always someone to play with...having friends with large families just doubles that fun.
I've written about the benefits of large families before. :)

Anyway, when I tote my four along I hear "the basics" a lot. The answers aren't all my own. I've scribbled them down, from time to time, to have witty comebacks to the most common questions.

Q. Are these all yours?
a. "Now why on EARTH would I take other people's children grocery shopping?"
b. "No, that one (point at kid) found me in the cereal aisle and won't leave!"
c. "Yep, and seven more at home!"

Q. Are you going to stop now?
a. (Actually we're done, but that's none of their business, so I tell them honestly) "I'd love to have more, these ones are darlings!"
b. "Nope! My husband and I are very intelligent people, and believe we should pass on these great genes as much as we can. Why did you stop having kids?" (okay, I've never actually said that, but I'm tempted!!)

I discovered several years ago that when I look like a tired, haggard mom of four, unruly children, I will be looked upon and treated like a tired, haggard mom of four, unruly children. We shouldn't live to please others or live up to their expectations, but we CAN be the best versions of ourselves. Because I'm a Dresser-Upper and I truly feel the best when I'm brushed and curled, dolled up and artsy, I try to start most days like that. When I feel good, people can tell. Which means, folks, that people can tell my kids aren't dragging me down; they lift me up. I'm so much more likely to dance when they're around, and do crafty projects, and jump on the trampoline. There are rough days, of course, but for the most part, having kids is its own best reward. And others should be able to see that in us.

Like SuzanneP said, I'm saddened for the person who sees a large family, and shakes their head. "Because I knew he would never. Never, mind you, know the joy of knowing each of those faces up there. He would never.never. be able to see them as different little people with individual personalities. I knew he would never. never. know the joy they can bring."

Do Hard Things (Guest Blogger-- my sister)

My sister Julie just read and recommended a book called Do Hard Things, which I am now reading (and loving.) She is my guest blogger for the day! Enjoy!

Do Hard Things
I have a mean little censor that follows me around, and has for years. My censor is an actual person, a person in my life who at times has made me feel torn-down, stupid, small, and laughable. At least, my censor started out as this person, and then morphed and grew into something a bit different, a bit twistedly combined with other things, maybe a bit meaner. It's hard to admit about my censor because I'm embarrassed that I've let them bother me for so long--more than bother, actually; more like stunt, hinder, discourage. And I am sure for certain that this person has no idea how much they have impacted my life in some ways (and I know that's not their problem but mine. No one is responsible for my decisions but me, and I can't blame them or anyone for my own actions or inactions. Still, I wish people would realize how they really can and do affect others in good or negative, and often lasting ways...and I need to remember that, too. I've done my share of damage with careless actions and words.)

I'm tempted to think that none of you are following what I'm saying right now. But I don't believe that, actually. We all know that a hurtful remark can stick with you for days, years, or even all your life. If someone defines you in an unkind way, that label has an awful way of bonding to you like krazy glue (which Owen put on his cheek last week, but the way, but that story is for another post on another blog!). I gave my censor some of that power, (power I'm convinced they had and have no idea of) and when I let that become part of the fabric of my thought and my self-image, it became something that affected me often. It, in part, contributed to preventing me from taking risks, from doing things that I might fail at (because then I was sure my censor would be out there laughing somewhere, and letting others in on the joke). It often kept me from speaking out boldly, because my censor might label me this or that according to what I stood for or spoke up for. I often (not always) let myself allow this embellished, ever-present, exaggerated censor cause me to take the safe and boring and pitiful and unadmirable route to places in life.

And my censor still hangs around. It's a lot quieter, a lot smaller, a lot more irrelevant to my feelings than it ever was before, but it sometimes still wiggles its way in before I even realize what's happening. I'm having to ignore my censor right this moment, in fact, so that I can write my real, true thoughts on this blog.

A couple of days ago, while reading a book, I was filled with some conflicting emotions: part of me felt sad and ashamed, and part of me felt joyful and inspired. I'm reading a book called Do Hard Things, written by teenage twin boys who are challenging their generation to rise above the low expectations of society (I can hear my censor snort skeptically). When I heard about it, it really appealed to me, though it's written for teenagers; in fact, I think that was part of its appeal. Because, honestly, though I may not look like I'm 15 any more, I sure do feel like it in terms of my spiritual and intellectual growth, and many of my life experiences (or lack thereof)(in the area of motherhood and marriage I feel more mature, and so very blessed to have been able to have and experience these wonderful things, but here I'm talking about me as a part of society, as a person, and as a child of God.). I didn't expect as I read the book to come across a wonderful answer to a prayer I began praying back in May.

The book writes about a 16 year old girl named Katrina Martin who loves clothing and anything to do with it, and always has (sounds like me!). She wants to go into fashion when she grows up, but there's a catch: she wants the clothes she designs to be modest. She said that first she had a desire to dress well, and then that grew into a desire to please God with how she dressed. But she had a little problem: She really couldn't figure out what modesty meant. The book writes, "She knew modesty was a heart issue, but also a clothing issue. She was puzzled by the lack of resources, and she was especially frusterated that nothing she found presented views on modesty from Christian guys' point of view." Reading that reminded me of my own question to God that I started asking several months ago. "What is modesty, really? How do you pin it down? It seems to be different for everyone. How do I figure out what you want of me?"

It's like I wrote in my first Whatever Is Lovely post: "We live in a world where there are so many pressures, so many things pulling on us. We live in a gray world where there are some tough questions that need to be asked and answers to be sought. What is right, what is wrong? I know my husband is created by God to be visually stimulated and I want to be attractive for him. Where’s the line of how to be beautiful for your husband without being a stumbling-block to other men?"

Where's the line? How could I know, if it's such a hazy area? (Plus, what would my censor and others like them say? Won't they laugh at me and call me extreme? Won't they think I am legalistic? Won't they say that I want to be modest because I'm a judgemental baptist and this has something to do with the church I go to? Maybe the "real person" censor would say that, maybe not. But the hybrid, exaggerated, twisted censor that is reading this over my shoulder is laughing scornfully in my ear. But what I know is that I'm not doing this to impose unnecessary rules on myself. And I'm definitely not doing this to please anyone at my church, where I certainly will never win a popularity contest. And I just don't think of myself as a "baptist" or any denomination. I go to a baptist church because it matches most closely with my own interpretation of the bible, but I disagree with a few things our church generally believes. I find my pastor's sermons to be wonderful, intelligent, interesting, and founded on the words of the bible, and I feel that I learn a lot on Sundays (sunday school is great, too). But if my pastor were to say something that I felt conflicted with something the bible says, or was added as a side-note but not based on scripture, then I would reject it in the first case and take it with a grain of salt in the second case. My relationship with God is my motivation and truth--my censor is laughing here saying "Sure it is." and is calling me self-righteous--but anyway, I don't need a pastor or a church to be my conscience or my brain, because God gave me those things for my own. My censor would say that I don't watch certain movies or tv shows or read certain books because I'm baptist. I say that I want to do or not do things to please God, and I say if the bible tells me to do or not do something, that's good enough for me; I don't need it confirmed by a pastor to make me want to do it or not do it. My censor is labelling me but I'm sick of being labelled. I'm a person who wants to follow God. Label me that, and that's it.)

Well, I prayed what for me was a difficult thing to pray--for something that seemed impossible to get an answer to that I could actually apply to my life. But God proves as always that He's way bigger than the impossible.

Katrina, with the help of others, took the initiative and made an anonymous survey for guys and girls to take, posing statements like, "Low cut-shirts are a stumbling block." and then letting people rate that statement on a scale from "Strongly agree" to "strongly disagree." Then the voters were also allowed to comment on each particular statement and their reason for why they chose what they chose. It's an awesome survey and it's presented just as-is, as the results and statements were. In the first 12 hours the survey went online, it got 420,000 hits and actually caused the server to shut down. In other words, lots of people put in their two cents on this.

When I found the survey, I felt like God handed me a very practical reference to how Christian guys feel and what they struggle with. Now I can let my conscience and my daily prayer be my guide. (My censor is saying, "You must think a lot of yourself to think that every guy wants your bod." (-: There's one survey comment that I really liked that I feel explains my take on that. Here's what he wrote: "The most beautiful woman I know doesn't cause me to think impure thoughts about her through her dress. Dressing immodestly is actually less beautiful, and more sexual. A plain woman (not ugly or beautiful) can put on a skin tight pair of pants and a low cut shirt and cause just about any man to lust after her. That doesn't mean she's caused him to think she was beautiful." That's how I think about it. I don't think I am so irresistable that I must be a stumbling block to all guys. But I do think that if I dress in certain ways, I'm going to cause a guy or two to struggle or stumble, simply because of how guys are wired and the fact that I have female body parts. I used to try to get attention from guys with my clevage or short skirt or etc., but now I realize that I may have gotten attention, but I didn't get true admiration. I want to save my seductive side for Adam and Adam only, and try to convey lovliness to the world around me.)

I said I felt a little sad and ashamed when I read about Katrina and her survey. To be honest, I didn't so much feel ashamed because of the way I used to try to get attention because of my poor self-image, as because I didn't actively seek an answer to my question the way Katrina did. The past is in the past and I can leave it there, but I didn't really do anything to move forward from it. I think I know why, too. Because the issue just wasn't quite important enough to me. And because when I'm unsure about what I should do, it's easier to do nothing. If I had sought answers, I'd have had to do something about the answers that I found. I'd have that responsibility on me. I'd have to make a choice. And I only half-heartedly wanted that responsibility. But God helped me anyway, because he loves me so much, and because He's working for my good. He gave me the answers I needed though I barely sought them. He's pushing me to a place of responsibility in this area. Because He knows I'll be so much happier His way than mine.

I felt joyful and inspired when I read about Katrina, first because it was an answer to prayer, and also because it was an encouragement that there are other women out there seeking answers to these kinds of questions--she's ten years younger than me and yet I look up to her for her heart and her persistence. And I believe she will start her own clothing line, and that, with God's help, it will be great.

I know there are probably lots of people who will have differing opinions on this subject, people I totally love and admire. I value and respect those opinions and would like to hear them if anyone wants to say something. I don't want to debate or argue, just to hear and understand where you're coming from, if you have something to say. I still feel like this subject is different for everyone according to what God lays on their heart. I do feel that God has laid this issue on my heart and has given me answers specific to me and my motives and etc., but I believe at any given time God is doing good works in everyone He loves (which is all of us!), and they may not be the same good work at the same time. Maybe he's growing us in different areas at different times. What I know for sure is that 'He who started a good work in each of us is carrying that good work to completion'--each in the way He knows is best. (Also I could say a bunch more on why it's so hard for me to want to dress modestly sometimes, and why I feel like the men in our lives are in part at fault for our struggles with that, but I'll save that for another post, because this one is already frighteningly long!)

Here's a link to the Modesty Survey if you're curious. Click on "Survey Results." Don't be confused when you read a bunch of statements--those aren't the results. You have to actually click on each posed statement and then scroll down to see the consensus (I was confused at first. I was like, "hhhhuuuhhh??") .

Every day, I want to keep trying to figure out what is lovely; how to be the woman God wants me to be. I can see that God is and will keep helping me in this.

I want to, as one person wrote in on the survey,

"Walk like you are a princess of the Kingdom of God."

Love, Julie

Trying new homeschool methods

I've been homeschooling since The Artist was in kindergarten, so this makes our 4th year. But I am still learning, adapting, changing things as we go. I guess that makes sense, because my children are also learning, changing and adapting. What worked for us last year may not continue to work through this year. Or last month to this month, for that matter.

There are so many choices and options out there that it makes my head spin at times. I find one thing that will be "just perfect" for the Nature Man. Another tool or book that is suited for Dash. And other materials, of course, that work for my Artist. So I end up with a huge modge podge of materials, with introductions to new things weekly.

Of course, we still have our basic structure that we stick to. Bible in the morning, then read-alouds during breakfast (I'm currently reading Heidi to the kids.) Then we do our meeting time in the living room, with the calendar, clock, and counting. This is when I should do the pledge, but I always seem to forget after the first month or so of school.

~Note to self: start pledge again tomorrow.~"In God we trust..."

I like the idea of the Unit Studies approach, with clear connections under each topic. For instance, a Pioneer Days theme might include reading and writing about the times and people, making a craft representative of Pioneer times and gaining skills by cooking a meal from Pioneer recipes and learning Pioneer songs. I think this would really help the boys. I bought the Konos unit studies and I've been enjoying those. Lots of work, lots of hands-on. I have to really pick-and-choose how much to do, or I won't have time for any of our more classical readings.

I also love the Classical method, which particularly suits my eldest. There is a definitive body of knowledge found in the great books that have been passed down to us through the centuries. I really enjoy the Charlotte Mason method. In addition to classic lit, she emphasizes the importance of being outside and learning from creation, which I love. This combines two of my greatest loves: nature and reading.

All this to say, I know what I like, but I can't always seem to get it all done. I tried the Managers of Their Homes rigid scheduling. I know it doesn't have to be rigid, but if I have a schedule posted, then I tend to let it rule me. We could abide by it until about lunchtime, and then other matters crept into the picture...things not on the schedule. And, since I tend to be a black and white thinker, the moment we were off-schedule, the schedule went entirely out the window. Of course, by lunchtime we had our "serious" work done anyway, and then we could just relax and focus on music and art and being outside. Still "school stuff."

I've decided now that we just need a basic plan. And the kids need to be more responsible for the plan. I can't keep telling them to focus, finish this up, check on that, sit back down, and so on. Frankly, I don't care of they hang upside down and do their reading, just so long as it gets done and they are comprehending it. :-) The more fun the better, right? So I've started the "drawer method." No, this is not a technical term. Heh.

I just have one of those little plastic caddy things with three drawers. The kids each have their own drawer with their name on it. All of their work, readings, etc for that day are ready, in their drawer, when they wake up. Besides Bible and group time and readings, they can do drawer work in any order they want, just so long as it's done by the time their Daddy gets home. Now, granted, there is still quite a bit of oversight at this point, or 1st grade Nature Man would be lazy all day and wait until the last couple hours to speed through all of his work. I do make him work on something, but he gets to choose. He always puts reading last, little bugger.

Every time they finish a page or chapter, they put it at the bottom of the drawer, under the work to be done. When it's all done, the drawer is put back in the caddy. I try to check their work as they go, and have them correct things immediately. Then Daddy looks over all the work after supper. So far this new method seems to be working. I've only had one day in the last two weeks when one of the kids has had to work into the evening. Of course, it was Nature Man.

I'm always curious about the methods that other people use, but I've noticed that parents can be particularly guarded about their schedules and philosophies. Can't say I blame anyone. My mother-in-law commented the other day that the homeschooler down the street from them was "always outside playing after lunch." As if there was a problem with that. I actually laughed out loud at her, and then shook my head in disbelief. Some people are so ignorant. Why shouldn't a child be playing outside after lunch? Don't even public school children play outside during the day, weather permitting? And isn't it best to learn about nature by being in nature? That's the immersion method, right? :-) Believe it or not, children can even read outside. Or listen to stories being read. Mine seem to manage it just fine.

In general, I think that school for boys is much harder. They want to move and wiggle. They seem to have a harder time staying focused for very long....although Nature Man can watch a grasshopper or snake for hours.... so I guess it's really about being motivated in those things that are less fun for him. And finding ways to make things more fun, whenever possible.

Sooooo,anyway, that's us.Just "thinking out loud."

What "Good Girls" do and other rambling knockin'-about thoughts when I'm tired

I am one of those mom's who doesn't go out without make-up. Why? Because I usually feel most comfortable with make-up on. Sure, there are those days that I wish I didn't feel the "need" to put it on. But on the whole, I enjoy dressing up. For me, make-up and clothes are almost an art form. It's fun to experiment, dress-up, and "play pretty." Besides, it makes my husband feel special when I take a little extra effort to look nice for him.

On those days that I just don't feel like it, though, I feel obligated to stay home. The make-up thing, while being enjoyable and fun for me, also turns into a crippling weakness at times. When I really look a mess, I feel a mess. If I don't look pulled together I don't feel put together.
And I feel judged.
Women have a bad habit of judging everything from clothes to hair to parenting choices. So your best friend dyes her hair every other week? So what? Does that hurt anyone? Does it ruin her testimony? Does a nose ring mean you aren't a Christian? Does an extra long hem-line mean you are better equipped to serve God? Long hair or short hair? Dyed hair or natural? Public school, private, or homeschool? House immaculate...or a mess? Live by a schedule, or just one moment at a time? Why do people, especially women it seems, get so defensive when others live differently?

Hmmm....I just wonder what compels women to judge, judge, judge each other?

We should be cheering each other on, not judging and demeaning. We should be helping each other.
Mentoring each other.

Jealousy is rife among girls and women. Women frequently react with thinly veiled jealousy when they see other women come into unexpected blessings or succeed in some way. (A success they either don't know how to, or don't feel able to claim for themselves.)

I know there are many women out there who are emotionally starved. And it must be hard to see other women being fed well, when they are starving for that. The reaction to criticize, to put down and to tell other women that they are behaving in an unacceptable manner makes sense at some level if you are famished and desperately crying out, desiring attention, needing help. So I guess the next time I am criticized, I will just look at it as a cry for help! :-)
(Heh heh-- Not that I am ever criticized for anything!! )

Anyway, I've mentioned before how much I LOVE Mothering Matters. I've never been involved in a group before that so purposely puts Titus 2: 3 and 4 to work. (Older women are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children...) Older women, for the most part, seem to be past all the pettiness. We could learn a lot from that. All the "little stuff" doesn't matter so much. Life is about glorifying God, right? Living for HIM. Banding together to worship, to reach others and be a light for the world. Each of us, in our own walks, can live for Him. We can reach others the way no one else can. If we were all alike, just Christian cloned robots, how could we possibly reach and relate to anyone different?

No, it's the blue-hairdo spiky Christian that can reach other blue-hair spiky people. (Or people who think that hair is "totally awesome"...)It's the public school Christians that other p.s. people can relate better to. It's the homeschooled Christ-followers that other homeschoolers might be interested in talking to. So why do we judge differences? I want to be who I am supposed to be...and if that means I have a bright green living room and short red hair and lots of beautiful children who are homeschooled...well, maybe I can strike up a conversation with someone else who likes bright green in their living room!

At any rate, I know God will use me. For me. And I am trying NOT to care what anyone else thinks. Not that I have been let down by people lately, but I've just been thinking a lot about how we tend to stick to standards, live by the norm, and judge anyone who walks a to a different tune, on the same path.
Romans 12: 4-6 "Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith."

Together we are a force to be reckoned with. We are Christ's body. We can make a difference.

Tonight I had a fantastic night with an awesome family. The lovely lady is not only amazingly equipped to reach others, but she desires to with her whole heart. And she equips others to "go and do likewise" simply with the power of encouraging words and a hospitable heart. Ah, what sweet relief it is to be around others who just love others for who they are, differences and all. (Even though I did pull her down with my pathetic attempt at playing Mad Gab. I warned you I was no good!!)

How to tell a person's character by the way they respond to opposition

In case you didn't know, I was a psychology minor in college. Fascinating stuff. I love to learn about myself, and about everyone around me. What makes them tick? Why do they respond like they do? How does nature and nurture affect the outcome? And why can't everyone just be like me? Just kidding. ;-)

In general, people tend to filter the information they receive through their own "lens" of preconceived notions & experiences, reading their autobiography into other people's lives, or projecting their own home movies onto other people's behavior. (paraphrased from The Seven Habits...) So true.

It's amazing what you can tell about a person when you disagree with them. Will they become immediately defensive? Will they respect your convictions, just as your respect theirs? Will personal attacks follow? Is anyone ever swayed "to the other side," or do people pretty much stay planted in the first thought/ impression, even if it doesn't hold water? Not saying that either side in this case is like that.

I've had some sweet "good goin'" emails from friends. I've had some respectful disagreements, which I welcome. I respect you, you respect me, and it's all okay. I've also had some rather hateful notes, and a couple with personal attacks on me or my family. That, of course, is uncalled for, unprofessional, and just plain mean. Come on, y'all, I'm not being mean to you, so don't be mean to me.

Problems or differences should be recognized as opportunities to deeply understand and help others. "The word 'crisis' in Chinese is written as two character. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity." (John F. Kennedy) We have an opportunity here to better understand each other.

Now, when people start using personal attacks to manipulate others they lose credibility. It also speaks volumes about the foundation of your friendship. I don't take myself so seriously that I can't see some humor in criticisms. Still, anything very personal can sting. I try to exercise restraint in responding to these. I usually just respond, "I hope this doesn't affect our friendship..." because I am, after all, the "bigger person." Heh heh.

Often, either the person writing the attack desires to change the subject, trying to distract me from the real issue because they don't have enough facts to stay on topic, or they have confidence issues about themselves. (In either case, they need pity, not anger...) Some people will try to pull you down no matter what. These people become obsessed with making the other person lose, even at their own expense. This is the philosophy of adversarial conflict, war, or of highly dependent persons.

I've also been blessed by a couple of "empathetic listening" messages. God is good to balance out the emails for me. :-) I didn't even think to pray for that!

Empathetic listening is listening with intent to understand the other person's frame of reference and feelings. You listen with your ears, eyes and heart.

"Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival - to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, and to be appreciated." People who understand that will go far in this world. It is a blessing to have conversations with them. People like this are rather rare, though, so when I come across one, I always try to personally thank them. You know who you are, my dear reader. Thank you again. Keep in mind, this person respectfully disagreed with me. And that is okay. As she put it, "we are two smart mothers trying to do what we think is best for our families and being willing to stand up for it." Who can argue with that? We both did our research, we both prayed about it, and we are both willing to stand up for our convictions. It's okay to disagree. Think: Principle-based behavior.
So the next time you disagree with someone, first do your research. Are you right? Do you really know all the facts? Either way, be willing to listen and hear the other person out. Maybe there are things you don't understand. If you still feel convicted about your stand, remain respectful and thoughtful. It does no good to bring the relationship down a notch just to get the last word in. Think Win/Win - Seek mutual benefit. 'Nuf said!

The Secret to a Lasting Marriage

"One of the people has to be sane, and the other one is only allowed to be insane occasionally. We take turns on who gets to be which person."

-Actor Christopher Meloni

Fred was the sane one yesterday. And today. Do I have to take turns???

Seriously, though, I feel like I've been under oppression lately. Too many things crowding in at once. Instead of being my normal energetic and rather cheerful self (right??), I've become a mess of blubbering curls.

So what do I do with this new development? Pray? Read my Bible? Cry? Call friends? Well, all of the above, but not in the right order. I'll let you in on my not-so-successful coping strategy: I bawl. Yep, I just sit somewhere and eat cookies and bawl my eyes out. Great, huh? I like to cook when I'm anxious, so there are plenty of breads and desserts abounding right now.

*edited*
Some people offer wonderful advice. Some people think they offer wonderful advice...it's well-meaning, but totally the WRONG thing to say!! I had one of those conversations today. So I called someone else, naturally (actually my Mimi, to pray, and then a friend to come over.) Thank the Dear Lord for friends when you need them. This dear friend drove right over and helped, while I took a time out with the Bible.

And you know what? THAT helped. Duh. So why don't I do that immediately?? WHY? I can't claim the new-Christian-syndrome, because I don't even remember when I was saved. Why do I wait so long to run to my Father's arms? Possibly because I feel foolish crying over such little things when there are so many BIG things that other people deal with. You know, who am I to disturb God, right? Sounds foolish. I tell my kids just the opposite all the time, but then I wait and wait and wait before I work up the courage to knock on that door.

I have two verses on my computer desk: 1 John 5:14 "Now this is confidence we have before Him: whenever we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."
and Psalm 144:2,3 "He is my loving ally and my fortress, my tower of safety, my deliverer. He stands before me as a shield, and I take refuge in him. He subdues the nations under me."

I can believe that. I do believe that. Yet I crumble so easily. Argh.

So, I'm setting some goals, and putting them out here for all to see. Why? Because, like Adelia, I believe that sharing your goals with people you love will help you achieve what you desire. I need prayer, encouragement.
First, I need to stop worrying. I know this isn't easily gauged, and everyone worries to a certain extent. But, specifically, I need to release the worry over things of which I have no control. That does no good.

Second, I need to redeem my time. A line in a book last night suddenly struck me: "A person rescues what he loves." Yes, how obvious. But, really, I tend to let the most important things in my life slide while I take care of "everything else." I need to rescue what I love. I need to focus.

Third (and this is directly related to every other goal), I need to get back on a schedule. How can I redeem my time and reduce my worry if I don't have a game plan? I'm overwhelmed. I need my structure back. Right now I feel like I've lost it from every area: church life, finances, homeschool, housework, you name it. Everything has slid away from me. My darling little sister is helping me work on my Home Keeping Binder, which I plan to put into effect on Thursday. Pray on Thursday. ;-) I know it won't be --KABOOM-- change, but that is the start of my implementation!

Fourth, dang I'm tired. I forgot. Oh, yeah!! I need more sleep. I just *think* that I can get away with 5 or so hours of sleep, but I'm not doing so hot apparently. So I'm setting a curfew. And I'm planning to get up earlier than the kids (no small feat), and have my Bible time ALONE. The kids can read in bed until 7am.

Okay, enough for now. Bible time in bed. I need it.

PS Am I stressing anyone out lately? Didn't someone recently comment about me being upbeat or something? Yeah. Sorry about this, guys. "And this too shall pass."

Loss, New Life, and the One Who Conquers All

*Warning* This is gonna be long. You may have already read parts of it. It's personal...a kind-of pregnancy testimony of sorts...and it's not for the feint of heart. If you are pregnant, just don't read it. It's also late and I'm tired, so it may have some typos or whatever. Yeah. Just ignore all the imperfections in my posting!

This year I feel such a torn spirit around Easter. I still have my child-like sadness that Jesus had to die for us. Yes, I am happy and thankful that he loved us so much. But God's only Son..His child, His creation..put to death for us. I look at Ethan...Trevor...Oliver....my sons, my babies, my loves. Oh, it makes you want to scream at the injustice of it all.

But Jesus is the only one who passed the test. He lived a perfect life before his Father and people. He offered his perfect life as a sacrifice for all of us imperfect people. And then He ROSE. Yes, he ROSE and defeated death. Now, the resurrected Jesus offers his righteousness and life to all who trust him as their savior. I try to teach this to my kids every year. Easter is about JESUS!! Sure, we still do the egg thing, but we talk about how the eggs represent new life...our new life from Jesus.

Which brings me to another point. Life. New life. I've always heard that loss is the hardest around holidays. It is for me this year, for several reasons. Oliver was born right around Easter last year. And I had one beautiful precious baby boy...but I should have had two in my arms.

I've written this out, in length, at one other time, but I'm going to recap here.

We've had a lot of loss. This is our 11th year of marriage. We've grown up a lot, and really become strong as a couple. In psychology classes, I learned so much. I really took them to better understand myself and my past, not so much because I had any intention of ever pursuing the field. At any rate, tragedy usually either brings a couple closer or it tears them completely apart. There isn't a lot of middle ground. It may seem grayish for awhile, but eventually it will head down one of these paths. So you have to be determined in the beginning that every trial will result in you clinging tighter to your spouse.

We lost our first baby in 1997. I was devastated and blamed myself. Nobody knew, but Fred, and that made it so much harder. I was young, people wouldn't care, or so I thought.

Within 6 months I was pregnant again. At 9 weeks I started spotting. We lost another baby. This time people knew. We had JUST told everyone. That was hard, because we were already being questioned for having a baby soon. I felt like people were relieved that it would be awhile. Relieved over the death of my child? And maybe I was just consumed by my own shame and hurt. I still felt like this must be a result of my own actions somehow. I had brought this pain and punishment on myself.

In 1998 I got pregnant a third time. I was terrified. I ate all of the right things, exercised diligently (but not too strenuously,) I gave up caffeine and most medications except for Tylenol. I was determined to "be good" and make everything right. I pleaded with God to give me the baby, and I assured him that my punishment was already great enough. I did not know God as I do now. I did not know that He was in pain with me, comforting me, holding me up through it all.

God gave me a wonderful doctor (I thank God for your husband regularly, Trish.)
Isabelle was born in 1999-- a beautiful and completely healthy baby. The child never seemed to sleep and demanded my every moment, but I was totally content with that. My life revolved around her.

In the summer of 2000, after Isabelle had just turned 1-year old, I began having VERY sharp pains one day. I called Fred at work and asked him to come home. The pains got worse and worse. I went to my local doctor and, after some tests, he came in and said that I was having a miscarriage, and I should go home and rest. I was SHOCKED. I had no idea I was even pregnant. I had to call my husband from the office and tell him, and have him pick me up. Well, the pains got worse and worse. Fred carried me to the car that night and took me to the ER. After an ultrasound, they said the same thing and sent me home. I was right back within an hour. Finally, after more ER visits, a doctor had the sense to do an exam....(Hix, if you know him. He may have saved my life.) My cervix was closed. I was NOT having a miscarriage. But I went into shock and had to have immediate surgery. My right fallopian tube was bursting from an ectopic pregnancy. I'll make an already long story shorter, and just tell you that the right tube was removed and the left cleared itself-- yes, I had TWIN ectopics. That is unheard of. I had NO risk factors.

Needless to say, I was devastated. I hadn't even known about the babies, and now they were both gone. And what should have been outpatient surgery lasted for several days b/c I was over-sensitive to the pain meds and I was unconscious for 30 hours after surgery! I woke up to a pregnant nurse. Oh, the pain.

After all of the problems, my doc gave me a 50% chance of having more kids. I had one fallopian tube left, and it was damaged...

It's getting late (and LONG), but I'm going to finish the story. Maybe it will be therapeutic.
That was 2000...I'd been married for nearly three years and I had one baby girl, and had lost 4 babies already.

That winter I found out I was expecting again. On Christmas Day I started bleeding. We rushed to the ER and they did an ultrasound. We were losing one baby--yes, twins again! When you lose one, the chances of miscarrying the other are higher. We prayed, we hoped... I was so scared through that pregnancy... but God heard me cry out to Him... and my precious Ethan was born the following August, in 2001.

So 2001-- I'd been married for 4 years, I had 2 children, and I had lost 5.

In 2003 we lost another baby. It was early. I had just found out. I was going to school full-time and I had two toddlers. I sometimes wonder if it was the stress. After that I decided to get a 5-year IUD. That was a horrible mistake. I bled NONSTOP for 3 months after having it put in. I became anemic and sick. They removed it in January, and I was going to start the pill with the first cycle. The cycle never came...because I had gotten pregnant within days of having the IUD removed. I was still in school full-time, and scared beyond reason that I could lose the baby. At this point, I was obviously a high-risk pregnancy, so my specialist had me come in every three days for ultrasounds. Talk about stress! I relaxed a bit at the 3-month mark. It was a great pregnancy. I was due on Halloween and Trevor was born on November 6th, 2004. At this point my doctor was advising that Fred not even look at me, lest I become pregnant immediately again.

2004-- I had been married for 7 years then, had three beautiful children, and had lost 6.

In 2006 I found out I was expecting again. I waited several days and took three tests before I told Fred. October was the first person to find out. In fact, she bought the second ...and third pregnancy tests for me.

I knew Fred would be happy and excited...but I also knew that we were both scared, we had no money, and I had already postponed finishing school. We were homeschooling and living on a shoestring (still are.) Of course, Fred WAS excited. And scared. We started our every-3-day trips to the OB. Things looked good. Of course, we were very happy and surprised (and scared beyond reason) to be expecting twins again!! They must run in my family somewhere.

This time we got photos of the twins. We started contemplating names. I liked Grant, Adele Lillian, Simon, maybe Oliver and Olivia if they were boy/ girl. It was too early to tell yet. At nearly 3 months, we lost one. An ultrasound showed a problem. We prayed and asked friends, family, our church to pray. But then I bled, raced in, and it was too late. To say that it was upsetting and tragic to us is an understatement. I went on and smiled. I pretended everything was okay. After all, it looked like one baby would be okay, right? But I began to get depressed and couldn't seem to shake the mournful, but hopeful, unnerving, jittery feelings creeping over me. I wanted to be excited about being pregnant again, because I WAS, but I was also so sad for our loss and so scared. Yet I need to be strong for the kids. They shouldn't feel my sadness and my burden. School must continue. Mommy must still "be there" for them.

I prayed constantly for our baby that was left. And he was okay, thank You, God. Oliver was born last April.
This year-- we will celebrate 11 years of marriage. We have four beautiful children, and we have lost 7.
Fred had a vasectomy after Oliver was born. We just couldn't handle losing any more, and Fred said he couldn't handle losing me, if I were to have another ectopic... they are so much more likely after you've had one.

Before I end this, let me just say, when someone loses a baby, just hug them and say how sorry and sad you are. Do NOT say "at least you still have one." Do NOT say "it must have been for a reason" or "something must have been wrong with that baby." Just simply pray for them and tell them that you are praying.

And I will delete any unkind comments to this. I did try birth control, and I don't blame that on my miscarriages. I did want all of my children, and I would have happily had more if I was financially able. I miss my children. I look at Oliver and Ethan, knowing that they were both twins. Will they "feel" that some day? Should I tell them? And when? I kept all of my ultrasounds. I have a tape of beating hearts. And sometimes I just ache for closure, and don't know how to get it. The children I have are just miracles to me. They are absolute miracles, gifts from God.

I do love Easter. I love that God defeated death for us. I know my children are with their heavenly Father. Jesus died to give us all life. I've accepted that gift, with a desperation and urgency...sometimes I just forget how badly I want to see Him and be with Him, and how much I appreciate all He has done for me. And then I remember and it all floods back over me. I want to keep this passion all the time, not just when I am flooded with emotion.

Frankly, sometimes a picture really does say a thousand words. I saw some lovely pictures earlier of beautiful twins boys. So here is my baby boy, when he was about a month old and we were at a homeschool field trip. He was in the baby Bjorn, and Isabelle leaned in to look at him, right as I snapped the picture. Awww...


This God of ours, who gives life and gives it abundantly..wow, isn't He awesome? And then to defeat death! He rose, and conquered all sin and evil in the world, simply because He-- the maker of the universe-- loves US that much. Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

Homeschoolers Under Attack

Okay, There is something on my mind and heart. I need to share and ask for prayer.

On Feb. 28 California appeals court ruled parents have no constitutional right to homeschool their children and that those parents who do must be credentialed teachers. This was not picked up by national media until March 6. The shock waves are rolling now.

It arose in juvenile court and the parties had court-appointed attorneys, so even Home School Legal Defense Association didn't know about it until the ruling was issued. It flew under radar, so to speak.

Judge Croskey declared that "parents do not have a constitutional right to home school their children." Furthermore, the judge wrote, if parents teach without credentials they will be subject to criminal action.

This could have broad implications on CA's nearly 200,000 homeschoolers -- and set a dangerous precedent for other students nationwide, my children included.

Keep in mind that California schools are the most liberal. We're talking about schools that push the homosexual, abortion, liberal agenda to the hilt.

This is scary stuff. Do children belong to the state? Does the government know better than the parents? If you are a homeschooler, imagine your children being FORCED away from you every day. And if you are not a homeschooler, imagine being FORCED to put your child into a liberal school (or any place that you object to.) This is about freedom.

Please stop now-- right now, just for a second-- and pray. Lift a heartfelt prayer up to God, and ask Him to intervene. Pray for our freedoms and the safety of our children.

You can listen to Dr. Dobson discuss the case, learn more about the court ruling, see what California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says about this, and sign petition to depublish this ruling by using these links.

Click here to read about Hitler's ruling on homeschooling and how it still haunts Germans today, and threatens the rest of the world.
Be informed. Research, get the facts, follow the story.
Be a voice. Christians need to speak up. Defend yourself. Stand up for your rights and those of your family.

And PRAY. God can do anything. There IS power in prayer.

YES, I am still...

Why is it that the holidays can bring out all of the retarded comments? Just so no one else asks, let me just clarify for everyone that I am indeed still breastfeeding my almost-9-month-old. And I love it. And I plan to continue. And you'd better believe there will be a longer post about it soon, but right now I'm just tired. You can blame this little rant on a MIL.