Thursday, December 22, 2011

Changes...reconciling...

Have you ever met someone so REAL, that you just wished you could let loose and be like that? To totally step out into the light and still be embraced? To say, "yeah, sometimes I'm supermom...and sometimes I am totally NOT."


That's what I'm feeling. And I'm wondering how many other women feel the same way?


Do you go through spurts making crafts and doing fun projects with your kids 24/7....and then several weeks where you can't muster a single puppet from a paper bag? I do.


One of my best friends (my sister) pointed out the other day that I tend to get snappy when I'm emotionally bothered by something else. **Ding, ding** Well, of course. That makes sense. Even when I'm not thinking about "the issues," it's a battle under the surface. (It's great to have someone who will call me out on it when I'm acting like a jerk.)


I wish sometimes that I could be "real enough" to share things that bother me, without fearing what others will think. I just want to blurt things out sometimes. And still get a hug later.


I'm well aware that I'm being irritatingly vague. Sorry.


Life is good. My camera (yeah, the freakin' awesome one) recently broke, which brought me to tears a few times. We'll get it fixed. We will. Fred said so.


I am so very grateful for my children. My home. The warmth and food. The health. I'm so thankful. Fred has a job now, and I am so thankful for all these things. Our lives hold so much joy.


The issues we're dealing with are big, emotional burdens....a lot of "what-if"s, but it will not steal our joy.


I guess, in my tired rambly state, I'm really just trying to say that I don't know how to reconcile the "supermom" with the "loser mom," which is how I feel when I get snappy and tired, unproductive, or just kinda "down" about things. I don't want to only post the fun stuff. I also want to post the real issues. Maybe I need tougher skin. I'd like to talk to someone else who has a slow learner child, someone who can reassure me that he'll be okay. That he'll catch up someday and, even if he doesn't, that it'll be alright. I'd like to talk about my parents' pending divorce and my thoughts about it. But I can't do that. I'd like to seek advice about my 4-year old who calls his brothers "losers" when he gets mad, and says "I hate you," and how that makes me feel like a terrible mother. Even though I know I'm not. And I know he's a wonderful child, usually very sweet and loving. But I've never had one do this before and I just don't know what to say/do to handle it. Usually I simply say, "well, it's fine if you're feeling that way, but I always love you," and then we try to take deep breaths. But still the words haven't lost their appeal to him and my methods don't seem to be working.


Sooo. I think my plan/early New Year's Resolution is to step out a little. Do the one thing every day that scares me, like Eleanor Roosevelt suggested. If God's going to wash the "yuck" away, then I can't keep burying it. Right? Right. Sharing some things is okay. Hiding behind projects all the time is not so okay. At least not for me.


To end on a good note, Fred is off work for the next 10 days! I'm looking forward to plenty of family games, yummy food, Christmas celebrations (even if it will be different this year,) and excuses to dress up. I do love dress-up!! ;) It pains me to think of going through holidays without my camera, but it's certainly doable! I want to get rid of these extra emotional burdens and just focus my energy on the four little people that I've been blessed with.


May you and yours have an amazing Christmas, truly celebrating the Reason for the Season!

7 comments:

Margaret aka Totallyawake said...

I just wanted to send you a hug cyber hug ... everything in life is about balance and moderation - thing of supermom as a 'lamp' we cannot always be ON or our lightbulb burns out or overheats the lampshade and might start a fire ... sometimes we need to take some time to turn out the light and relax in the calm that is left!

As for your sons hurtful words ... children are naturally impulsive and often say things without thinking ... one of the 'lessons' I have used when working with young children like this is to take a piece of florist foam and some golf tees and have the child poke golf tees into the foam while saying some of the 'hurtful' words and than you remove the tees .... and look at the 'holes' that are created ... the tees represent the words we sometimes use out of anger and frustration and the holes are the hurt they cause that can NEVER truly be healed - it helps children to visualize that their words DO cause harm and to think about them more wisely.

Hugs to you and your family!

michelle edwards joy said...

I also think we should be more real. Looking at other Moms I have to remind myself that they clean up puke, get tired, and wash dirty underwear too. We all have our moments (sometimes several back to back) and should be able to share them. It is encouraging to know that even my brilliant artist friend doesn't do crafts all the time because I really stink at them ;).

Jenny said...

I have to let you know you aren't the only one who deals with hard things like this - your list has some of the same things mine has. My best advice - give yourself daily grace so you can try again & spend time in His Word. Really, it does make such a big difference in changing those cynical thoughts & a sharp tongue.

As always, you know I pray for you & your family.

Montgomery Family said...

Hugs to one imperfect mom from another!! Our weak areas are places for God's grace and power to shine through, and I'm so so thankful for that!! Merry Christmas!!

Tabbitha said...

I see you :)

Shady Creek School said...

There is nothing wrong with being imperfect ! :) Trying to be perfect we take far to much time and work. You will regain your balance and things well level out for you. I've been through a few of the "issues". I'm here if you need to talk.

Soaring High said...

Finally getting caught up on blog posts from when I was gone. Hugs to you. There are so many times I just want to break down and cry "why?" I am so sorry about your parents. It doesn't matter how old you are, divorce hurts. My kids have hit, slapped, yelled hateful things and been just plain sinful...like me. Fall at the feet of grace. That is the safest place to be (and cry a good cry with a dear sister).