I'm tired. Tired of holding it all together. Sometimes I really feel like I am near my breaking point. I'd love to be one of those "perfect" homeschool moms. You know, the ones with the working schedule, nice and tidy house, daily experiments, and clean baby. But, no, I just can't do it. I've tried and tried and I just get totally stressed out, sleep-deprived, and start to lose my mind.
I have so many weaknesses and faults. How can I overcome all of this? How can I keep my focus and get my priorities straight? I'm always hesitant to post how I really feel, because I know that my sisters read this, my grandparents read this. I want to "save face" and look good. Doesn't everyone want to *seem* like they have it together? Ah, but it's just an act.
Some days I feel like I'm doing so well. We get our lessons done in a timely manner, do hands-on activities, the kids get along. They are often complimented in public, and then I think that I must be doing something right. But we come home and they scream at each other, occasionally hit each other, run down the hall naked, play in paint under the table, you name it. And then I'm wondering if I'm doing everything wrong. Surely I'm not just responsible for the "good stuff" ....and all the bad stuff comes from the immaturity of their age. Am I not responsible for both?
Not that I expect them to be perfect. But, wait...do I expect that? Nah. I even laughed at the whole paint thing. And I don't mind them getting messy when they play. I would never want my kids to judge themselves according to their appearance or what they can accomplish... so why do I hold myself to those standards?
Sometimes I'm so petty. I want to look good and be productive ALL the time. I get very down on myself when my house is terribly messy (although I would never judge someone else based on that very thing!) or our school doesn't get done. I feel so inadequate. And I know that I am. I know that I need God's help. But like one of my favorite authors, Philip Yancey, says, it's hard to know HOW to get God's help. Do you audibly hear Him giving you advice? Do you feel Him actually restraining you when you head down the wrong path? Maybe I'm just not close enough in my relationship right now. :-( I'm beginning to feel so far away...
Does everyone sometimes feel like they're sinking? It's a passing feeling, thankfully. Tomorrow may start completely differently and I'll be a "competent" mom again. But today-- it just started all wrong and I handled it all wrong. Then, even as I considered this and decided to change, I began to act the same way again!! Grrrr.... I know that Satan will use anything he can against us, even our own families and good intentions. The kids began to bicker and I get frustrated. Hmph.
Anyway, I'll post VDay pics soon, of our homeschool party & Trev's FBC class party. Hope you all had a good one!!