Agonizing Throes of Threes

My sweet little toddler has turned into a defiant, rascally little bugger, almost overnight. And, because of the extra energy and emotion that it's taken to deal with this astoundingly naughty little boy, I've been much snappier with the other kids, too. ;/ Bad deal.

After a week of this nonsense, I'm feeling rather discouraged, angry at myself for not consistently responding well, and more than a little ticked that he's been such a snot. Mostly mad at myself. If this is a test, it's pretty small in the grand scheme of things, and I'm already failing it.

I did some yelling out loud, more in my head, took my deep breaths, and then still proceeded to need my own "time out" on the kitchen floor (trying to breath while my teeth were grinding.) And, instead of relying on God, having quiet time, or calling for support, I threw my own little pity party. "This isn't US!" "This isn't how it's supposed to be!!" "WHY are they fighting all the time?" "What did I do wrong?" Yes, I did. Right there on the floor. I might as well have been stamping my little foot.

And I wonder where he gets it from. {sigh}

I have been praying about it, usually at night, when the kids are asleep, and I can think loving thoughts about them again. And I'm finally coming up with some tactics. Tomorrow we have a plan. A new schedule. More outside time. More Daddy Time. Firepit planned. A new spot for the time-out chair. Oh, yes, I'm on the ball.

And I have a back-up plan, too! If things turn south, I'll run away. No joke. ;) My Man is home tomorrow (hallelujah, do you hear singing??) so I can run a lap around the neighborhood if my stress level elevates too high. Oh, speaking of stress rising-- My Little Lad saw my deep-breathing today and asked, quite seriously, if my head was going to explode. Perhaps I've mentioned the possibility too often?

I'm also reinstating my late-night art times. How on earth had I let that slide? Got too busy listing books to sell, finishing furniture (my computer desk, TV table, a desk for a friend...) Redoing furniture is fun, but just finishing it isn't "artsy" in my book. I missed my creative time badly.

So, first, you can pray that my boys will not kill each other through the winter. Why must boys wrestle nonstop? Outside it's fine and dandy; go ahead, knock each other down, climb trees, play in the mud-- but when we're stuck inside, they MUST learn to deal with it in a semi-decent way. I put the pull-up bars back in the doorways, but we really need a padded "ball-pit" room, and an indoor playground, complete with climbing wall (Michele, I'm relying on you to invite me over when you finish your room!!)

Second, you can help hold me accountable for my own behavior. I need to pray, seek advice for this new stage from more experienced moms, be consistent with my art "therapy," and take enough time away from them to remember how absolutely fabulous they are. That's a biggie; Fred's shift, plus our recent sickness, have thrown my social life out the window. I miss my friends. I miss being away from the kids, for at least a few hours a week. I NEED to miss them. I hope that makes some sense.

Ah, sigh. Confession helps the soul, too, I think. I know I'm not alone. And I know that anyone who would judge me, simply hasn't walked in these shoes.

So, here's my artwork for the night. My therapy, if you will.

progress:

maybe done?

Not sure if I'll end up painting this or not.

My goal (a bit half-heartedly, maybe) is to post a new piece of artwork every night. Which means I'll HAVE to draw or paint something every day, or at least add to a picture. Fingers crossed.

Peace through the storm

Do you ever have weeks that feel more like a television show than real life? So much has happened, and so quickly, that it's hard to absorb. So, until now, I've chosen to let the blog be my "happy place," and leave the worries behind.

First, good news. My sister's surgery was a complete success. They removed the entire right kidney, and the cancer along with it. She had a mostly good hospital stay: wonderful staff and care, but a scary time when the epidural wore off and the pain hit hard and unexpectedly. Oral pain meds and oxygen did the trick to right the problem. Still, I know that must have scared her.

Overall, it went excellently.

Now some bad news. Julie and I went up there on Tuesday night to visit and bring Amy and Vu some PF Chang's food. Julie and I ordered Mongolian beef to share. Mongolian beef. Mongolian beef. I had to repeat that all night. We started eating... and Julie choked. I kid you not. She choked on beef while visiting someone in the hospital. What are the chances? She could breathe, but couldn't swallow. Anything. Even spit, She vomited repeatedly, but that did no good. The doctors sent us down to the 2nd floor ER. Two little sisters in the hospital at the same time: one for cancer surgery and the other choking. Yeah, it was quite the night. Poor Amy had no idea what was going on down in the ER. After almost two hours, IVs, anti-nausea meds, X-rays, and a call to the gastrointestinologist, Julie finally dislodged the food and we went on our merry way. Yeah. No more beef for you, Julie. (Should have been in a Friends episode, right??)

Okay, more good news. Tell me when you start feeling sick on this roller coaster.

Yesterday Amy was released from the hospital. Yay! Most importantly, her pathology reports are all back: no more cancer!! All of her symptoms should be gone now, and life will resume as normal when she has fully recovered. It should take about two months to heal and regain strength. Another praise: her husband will be home, with paid leave, for the entire two months to take care of their adorable fat baby.

Some very bad news: my aunt just found out that her breast cancer has spread to the lymph nodes and bones. Christine and her family need prayer please.

More big bad news. A few days ago, we got word that my Mimi's CT scans were not at all good. Her pancreatic cancer has now spread to her liver, lungs, pelvic region, and has significantly intensified around the bowel area. She must be in pain. I pray every night that she won't suffer. I just can't imagine fighting such a horrible disease. I wish I could hug her and stay with her, and shield her from any kind of pain.Yet, through it all, her voice is soft and kind. A nurse of hers wrote yesterday and told me, "she looked so beatuiful. The peace that radiates around her comes from the Lord I know."

Some other not-nearly-as-bad-in-relation-news: car troubles for everyone in my family. My sister's car went out and she had to pay quite the hefty fee to get it back. And now the transmission on her other car is going out. Yeah. Then my Dad's truck died. And then my van. We'll be paying several hundred dollars to pick it up today. Sigh. In the grand scheme of things, this so-does-not-matter. Not in the light of cancer.

Good news: I feel shielded. Yes, I've cried. I did get lost driving the other day, just cruising along, deep in thought and then I "woke up" and had no clue where I was. Life has been consuming. Sometimes I can sail along, happily and smoothly, just enjoying the scenery. But the last few weeks have been different, rocky, fraught with danger. But yet we are shielded. Somehow. I can't even explain that but to say I know I'm being prayed for. I know my own grandparents, struggling with cancer and the pain of impending separation, are still praying for me. And their prayers are being answered with the gift of peace. I've never before cried like this, and yet still felt such peace.

(and my italics are stuck, so just go with it...)

There have been days lately when I catch myself having "too much fun," enjoying life too much, smiling and laughing... and I think, "wait, people are suffering. People are hurting. I shouldn't be so happy right now. I should be crying. How am I even supposed to feel??"

I don't know.

I could ask if it's okay to have peace right now. Okay to be happy in my day-to-day craftiness and schooling, using my blog as a haven. But I already know the answer is yes, even if it feels unnatural. I cry, but I'm protected. Even the financial aspects feel "okay." I wondered today if we were being kept off the road with the kids for some reason. And then I prayed and thanked God, if that was the case. His ways are higher than mine. I'll do my best, but I'm trying not to question the things completely out of my control.

This is a haven at times, and will continue to be such, but it's also a great way to reach out. I ask you to please keep my sisters in prayer. Both of them, as Julie seems to be very prone to freak accidents. ;-) By golly, she never should have gone sky-diving. Could have ended very badly.

Please pray for my aunt Christine, her daughter Rachelle, and the rest of the family. Please pray for my Mimi. That whatever time she has left will be as pain free as possible, and that she will feel so loved, and at peace. And please pray for my Papaw as he takes care of her very day. This is the greatest trial of their lives.

In more good news, today is my 12th anniversary to a fabulous, funny, laid-back and handsome man. He is my best friend. He has stuck with me through it all. And I love him so much.

Honey, SHMILY!!! (See how much I love you...)

Well, poo

Okay, so I didn't make it even a full 24 hours. Why? Because I got too many emails regarding the last post. ha! So you do read!

Yes, I'm okay. No, I'm not mad at anyone. No, I didn't mean that you cannot email me (which was a funny question to receive in an email.) I left off the pronoun. Oh, those ridiculously necessary pronouns. I meant that I would not be emailing, calling, or visiting. Or at least that I will not feel obligated to. And, yes, you can certainly drop food by my house tomorrow. I think that covers all of the questions.

Everyone once in awhile I get so much on my plate that I feel overwhelmed. Too many things come up at once. Too many demands on my time, and emotional strains at once. And the flight reaction kicks in. I want to shut down, run away, and be alone for about a week. Ever feel like that? No? It's just me?

So I canceled everything this week. Except the field trip on Friday that we are all looking forward to. I want to focus this week on things that really need my attention. I don't want to worry about any extra activities, needs, plans.

For one thing, The Artist has suddenly started asking some very pointed questions. I knew it was coming. She is in 3rd grade after all. And I want all of her information to come from me. But I was unprepared when the comments and questions started coming. She's still my baby!! Now I feel the need to formulate a plan, and handle this wisely. I don't want to say the wrong thing and warp her for life. (Hence the reason for the new survey question on the left hand sidebar)

I also feel the need to organize my time better. Too many things come up, and I let them in my life without giving it much thought. We need to be more intentional. But I can't even formulate my plan, rewrite my schedule, plan our holiday activities because I'm never home!!! That is going to change.

I asked God to help me have some resolve and just back off for a week. And then I got the stye. Yeah, it looks bad. It's uncomfortable. And it's keeping me home. And guess how long it lasts? You guessed it: one week. God is good.
(I'm not being sarcastic.) He knew I needed some more motivation to just stay home and focus. :-) I'll save you the pain of an eye photo. It's not pretty. (I also have mastitis, so I'm feeling very rundown... and I'll save you from pictures of that as well!)

Sooooo, there you have it. You can email. I may answer, I may not. You can call. I probably won't answer, but I still love you. Call and leave an urgent message if it's important. I'll put my sign "We're busy with SCHOOL." on my front door. And maybe my other sign, too: "Solicitors will be shot. Survivors will be shot again." I can't stand solicitors.

This one week we will be home. Glorious home. No cub scouts, plays, drive-through events, homeschooling functions, extended family functions, MM, church things ....nope, just HOME. I love my home. And I don't get to enjoy it as often as I should. And the kids-- oh, we do so many FUN things, so many school things...but there are so many other things that I would love to incorporate and focus on. So many gift ideas, craft ideas, and other homeschooling resources that we own, that I don't even have time to look through.

Time is such a precious commodity. I've always loved the quote: "Children need quality time; quantities and quantities of it!"

Enjoy your time!!

People Break

I love you guys.

But I'm taking a people break. No emails, calls, visits for awhile. Please understand.

Smooches.

breath and tattoo

I'm back. My spirit is okay now. I've felt like I was under such oppression lately. I had lost my motivation to clean (gasp.) But over the past few days some truths hit me and hit me hard. It's one of those things that just knocks the wind out of you. And, after struggling to grasp and understand, I feel like I am released. The weight has been lifted from me and God has taken it over. It's out of my court now.

In my relief and with my energy restored, I did two loads of laundry Thursday night, cleaned my kitchen, changed all of the sheets, and just basically went on a marathon deep cleaning which resumed when I awoke yesterday. It feels great. I even scrubbed my tub after I showered. Yeeeeesssss, I am baaaaack. I may rejoice in strange ways, and I'm okay with that. My kids are excited to see me revived. Although Dash told me yesterday that my hair was messy. Cleaning will do that to you.

Last night I went to my first non-traditional baby shower (read: hippie gathering.) The mother-to-be soaked her feet in lavender water, with beads and flowers, while we read our blessings aloud to her. We each gave her a bead, to string together and remember the prayers from her friends. After the food and mingling, we took turns drawing on her belly with henna. Oh, yeah! That's my kinda fun!

Then we each got our own little "temporary tattoo." Don't worry, it washes off in 1-3 weeks.

Yes, I will have to post pictures.
I think I will have henna at my next firepit night. You have been warned. Mwa Haaa Haaa

rain, rain go away (at least figuratively speaking)

When it's all nice and sunny, sometimes I don't notice as much as I should. I'm too busy.

I take it for granted.
So when it starts to cloud up a bit, I don't really notice that either.
Too much is going on. My list is too long.
I just forget to look around.

It's not intentional.

Before I know it, the rain starts coming down...
just sprinkles at first, so that's no big deal.
I might look around, maybe comment on the unexpected rain, but I keep on walking.
I have an umbrella, so it's no biggie. I get busy again and just keep walking, doing, going about life...and before I know it I've walked right out from under that protective umbrella.
And THEN I stop and look around.
What happened??I'm in the middle of the storm with no protection. It's thundering and lightening.
Friends are running (some shielded under their own large umbrellas.)And me? I just stand there like a dope, looking around,
getting soaked, and wondering when on earth all this happened? Such is life.
I've let complacency overcome me.
There really is a battle between the good and the best.
And sometimes, even when I think I'm choosing the best,
I'm still choosing what is good first.
Sometimes it takes a good sister to kick you in the rear and make you stand back up.
Put top things top. Seek GOD, and stop getting so comfortable.
Thanks, Jules.

And, in case anyone else finds themselves without an umbrella,

Umbrellas aren't hard to come by, you just gotta ask for one back!

The Secret to a Lasting Marriage

"One of the people has to be sane, and the other one is only allowed to be insane occasionally. We take turns on who gets to be which person."

-Actor Christopher Meloni

Fred was the sane one yesterday. And today. Do I have to take turns???

Seriously, though, I feel like I've been under oppression lately. Too many things crowding in at once. Instead of being my normal energetic and rather cheerful self (right??), I've become a mess of blubbering curls.

So what do I do with this new development? Pray? Read my Bible? Cry? Call friends? Well, all of the above, but not in the right order. I'll let you in on my not-so-successful coping strategy: I bawl. Yep, I just sit somewhere and eat cookies and bawl my eyes out. Great, huh? I like to cook when I'm anxious, so there are plenty of breads and desserts abounding right now.

*edited*
Some people offer wonderful advice. Some people think they offer wonderful advice...it's well-meaning, but totally the WRONG thing to say!! I had one of those conversations today. So I called someone else, naturally (actually my Mimi, to pray, and then a friend to come over.) Thank the Dear Lord for friends when you need them. This dear friend drove right over and helped, while I took a time out with the Bible.

And you know what? THAT helped. Duh. So why don't I do that immediately?? WHY? I can't claim the new-Christian-syndrome, because I don't even remember when I was saved. Why do I wait so long to run to my Father's arms? Possibly because I feel foolish crying over such little things when there are so many BIG things that other people deal with. You know, who am I to disturb God, right? Sounds foolish. I tell my kids just the opposite all the time, but then I wait and wait and wait before I work up the courage to knock on that door.

I have two verses on my computer desk: 1 John 5:14 "Now this is confidence we have before Him: whenever we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."
and Psalm 144:2,3 "He is my loving ally and my fortress, my tower of safety, my deliverer. He stands before me as a shield, and I take refuge in him. He subdues the nations under me."

I can believe that. I do believe that. Yet I crumble so easily. Argh.

So, I'm setting some goals, and putting them out here for all to see. Why? Because, like Adelia, I believe that sharing your goals with people you love will help you achieve what you desire. I need prayer, encouragement.
First, I need to stop worrying. I know this isn't easily gauged, and everyone worries to a certain extent. But, specifically, I need to release the worry over things of which I have no control. That does no good.

Second, I need to redeem my time. A line in a book last night suddenly struck me: "A person rescues what he loves." Yes, how obvious. But, really, I tend to let the most important things in my life slide while I take care of "everything else." I need to rescue what I love. I need to focus.

Third (and this is directly related to every other goal), I need to get back on a schedule. How can I redeem my time and reduce my worry if I don't have a game plan? I'm overwhelmed. I need my structure back. Right now I feel like I've lost it from every area: church life, finances, homeschool, housework, you name it. Everything has slid away from me. My darling little sister is helping me work on my Home Keeping Binder, which I plan to put into effect on Thursday. Pray on Thursday. ;-) I know it won't be --KABOOM-- change, but that is the start of my implementation!

Fourth, dang I'm tired. I forgot. Oh, yeah!! I need more sleep. I just *think* that I can get away with 5 or so hours of sleep, but I'm not doing so hot apparently. So I'm setting a curfew. And I'm planning to get up earlier than the kids (no small feat), and have my Bible time ALONE. The kids can read in bed until 7am.

Okay, enough for now. Bible time in bed. I need it.

PS Am I stressing anyone out lately? Didn't someone recently comment about me being upbeat or something? Yeah. Sorry about this, guys. "And this too shall pass."

The Things Boys Do

Oliver, my almost-1-year old, decided to crawl around the house today and remove all of the plug-in safety thing-a-ma-bobs!! I've never had an infant do that before!!! Little rascal.



He also took off at the library today! I sat him down by my feet while I looked through a book, in the kids' room. When I looked down, he was gone! He had crawled out of the kiddie room and was making his way down the hall, much to the delight of an older woman watching.

Trevor. Oh, where do I begin? His newest response when I ask him to do something is, "How 'bout NOT?"

"Trevor, wash your hands and go sit at the table."


"How 'bout NOT."


"Trevor, pick up your blocks now."


"How 'bout NOT."

It's driving me a little crazy.

Does everyone have a child that drives them batty? It used to be Ethan for me, but Ethan has thankfully grown out of that stage. Now it's Trevor all the way. It must be a 3-year old boy thing. I hope.

I have my own sensory overload issues, too. I really like the house to stay pretty clean. And I REALLY don't like things to be too loud. For instance, tapping a fork loudly on the table a few times will just drive me bonkers. Someone coming up behind me and hollering in my ear is unnerving. A bugger who finds my whistle in the backseat and blows it as loud as he can while I'm driving down the highway...arfgh!! Don't get me wrong...I love Trevor to pieces...when he's asleep.

Just kidding. I really do adore him, but he really does frustrate me on an hourly basis. I reread Bringing Up Boys about every 6 months, just to try to understand him and cope with him. After all, most of the time he is not trying to be naughty, he's just being loud and rowdy...all the things boys are, you know. I think I need to find some more good coping books, to keep me in the right frame of mind. Any suggestions?

Fred reminds me that Trev is just "asking" for some undivided attention. That's probably true, but when he acts up, I find myself wanting to get more distance. My initial reaction is always to f l e e, rather than to swoop in for special mama time. I'm working on recognizing this, and thereby stamping out my old patterns of behaviour.

It helps to have someone like Fred. He's so laid back and good-natured. When Trevor starts in with his whinies, Fred looks at him, "I don't understand Whinese, try saying that again." Or, one of Fred's favorite lines, "Do you want me to call the WAH-mbulance?" Both of these get a smile from Trevor and he starts talking like a normal person.
I still have a lot to learn when it comes to boys. ;-)

Prayer is always appreciated!

Loss, New Life, and the One Who Conquers All

*Warning* This is gonna be long. You may have already read parts of it. It's personal...a kind-of pregnancy testimony of sorts...and it's not for the feint of heart. If you are pregnant, just don't read it. It's also late and I'm tired, so it may have some typos or whatever. Yeah. Just ignore all the imperfections in my posting!

This year I feel such a torn spirit around Easter. I still have my child-like sadness that Jesus had to die for us. Yes, I am happy and thankful that he loved us so much. But God's only Son..His child, His creation..put to death for us. I look at Ethan...Trevor...Oliver....my sons, my babies, my loves. Oh, it makes you want to scream at the injustice of it all.

But Jesus is the only one who passed the test. He lived a perfect life before his Father and people. He offered his perfect life as a sacrifice for all of us imperfect people. And then He ROSE. Yes, he ROSE and defeated death. Now, the resurrected Jesus offers his righteousness and life to all who trust him as their savior. I try to teach this to my kids every year. Easter is about JESUS!! Sure, we still do the egg thing, but we talk about how the eggs represent new life...our new life from Jesus.

Which brings me to another point. Life. New life. I've always heard that loss is the hardest around holidays. It is for me this year, for several reasons. Oliver was born right around Easter last year. And I had one beautiful precious baby boy...but I should have had two in my arms.

I've written this out, in length, at one other time, but I'm going to recap here.

We've had a lot of loss. This is our 11th year of marriage. We've grown up a lot, and really become strong as a couple. In psychology classes, I learned so much. I really took them to better understand myself and my past, not so much because I had any intention of ever pursuing the field. At any rate, tragedy usually either brings a couple closer or it tears them completely apart. There isn't a lot of middle ground. It may seem grayish for awhile, but eventually it will head down one of these paths. So you have to be determined in the beginning that every trial will result in you clinging tighter to your spouse.

We lost our first baby in 1997. I was devastated and blamed myself. Nobody knew, but Fred, and that made it so much harder. I was young, people wouldn't care, or so I thought.

Within 6 months I was pregnant again. At 9 weeks I started spotting. We lost another baby. This time people knew. We had JUST told everyone. That was hard, because we were already being questioned for having a baby soon. I felt like people were relieved that it would be awhile. Relieved over the death of my child? And maybe I was just consumed by my own shame and hurt. I still felt like this must be a result of my own actions somehow. I had brought this pain and punishment on myself.

In 1998 I got pregnant a third time. I was terrified. I ate all of the right things, exercised diligently (but not too strenuously,) I gave up caffeine and most medications except for Tylenol. I was determined to "be good" and make everything right. I pleaded with God to give me the baby, and I assured him that my punishment was already great enough. I did not know God as I do now. I did not know that He was in pain with me, comforting me, holding me up through it all.

God gave me a wonderful doctor (I thank God for your husband regularly, Trish.)
Isabelle was born in 1999-- a beautiful and completely healthy baby. The child never seemed to sleep and demanded my every moment, but I was totally content with that. My life revolved around her.

In the summer of 2000, after Isabelle had just turned 1-year old, I began having VERY sharp pains one day. I called Fred at work and asked him to come home. The pains got worse and worse. I went to my local doctor and, after some tests, he came in and said that I was having a miscarriage, and I should go home and rest. I was SHOCKED. I had no idea I was even pregnant. I had to call my husband from the office and tell him, and have him pick me up. Well, the pains got worse and worse. Fred carried me to the car that night and took me to the ER. After an ultrasound, they said the same thing and sent me home. I was right back within an hour. Finally, after more ER visits, a doctor had the sense to do an exam....(Hix, if you know him. He may have saved my life.) My cervix was closed. I was NOT having a miscarriage. But I went into shock and had to have immediate surgery. My right fallopian tube was bursting from an ectopic pregnancy. I'll make an already long story shorter, and just tell you that the right tube was removed and the left cleared itself-- yes, I had TWIN ectopics. That is unheard of. I had NO risk factors.

Needless to say, I was devastated. I hadn't even known about the babies, and now they were both gone. And what should have been outpatient surgery lasted for several days b/c I was over-sensitive to the pain meds and I was unconscious for 30 hours after surgery! I woke up to a pregnant nurse. Oh, the pain.

After all of the problems, my doc gave me a 50% chance of having more kids. I had one fallopian tube left, and it was damaged...

It's getting late (and LONG), but I'm going to finish the story. Maybe it will be therapeutic.
That was 2000...I'd been married for nearly three years and I had one baby girl, and had lost 4 babies already.

That winter I found out I was expecting again. On Christmas Day I started bleeding. We rushed to the ER and they did an ultrasound. We were losing one baby--yes, twins again! When you lose one, the chances of miscarrying the other are higher. We prayed, we hoped... I was so scared through that pregnancy... but God heard me cry out to Him... and my precious Ethan was born the following August, in 2001.

So 2001-- I'd been married for 4 years, I had 2 children, and I had lost 5.

In 2003 we lost another baby. It was early. I had just found out. I was going to school full-time and I had two toddlers. I sometimes wonder if it was the stress. After that I decided to get a 5-year IUD. That was a horrible mistake. I bled NONSTOP for 3 months after having it put in. I became anemic and sick. They removed it in January, and I was going to start the pill with the first cycle. The cycle never came...because I had gotten pregnant within days of having the IUD removed. I was still in school full-time, and scared beyond reason that I could lose the baby. At this point, I was obviously a high-risk pregnancy, so my specialist had me come in every three days for ultrasounds. Talk about stress! I relaxed a bit at the 3-month mark. It was a great pregnancy. I was due on Halloween and Trevor was born on November 6th, 2004. At this point my doctor was advising that Fred not even look at me, lest I become pregnant immediately again.

2004-- I had been married for 7 years then, had three beautiful children, and had lost 6.

In 2006 I found out I was expecting again. I waited several days and took three tests before I told Fred. October was the first person to find out. In fact, she bought the second ...and third pregnancy tests for me.

I knew Fred would be happy and excited...but I also knew that we were both scared, we had no money, and I had already postponed finishing school. We were homeschooling and living on a shoestring (still are.) Of course, Fred WAS excited. And scared. We started our every-3-day trips to the OB. Things looked good. Of course, we were very happy and surprised (and scared beyond reason) to be expecting twins again!! They must run in my family somewhere.

This time we got photos of the twins. We started contemplating names. I liked Grant, Adele Lillian, Simon, maybe Oliver and Olivia if they were boy/ girl. It was too early to tell yet. At nearly 3 months, we lost one. An ultrasound showed a problem. We prayed and asked friends, family, our church to pray. But then I bled, raced in, and it was too late. To say that it was upsetting and tragic to us is an understatement. I went on and smiled. I pretended everything was okay. After all, it looked like one baby would be okay, right? But I began to get depressed and couldn't seem to shake the mournful, but hopeful, unnerving, jittery feelings creeping over me. I wanted to be excited about being pregnant again, because I WAS, but I was also so sad for our loss and so scared. Yet I need to be strong for the kids. They shouldn't feel my sadness and my burden. School must continue. Mommy must still "be there" for them.

I prayed constantly for our baby that was left. And he was okay, thank You, God. Oliver was born last April.
This year-- we will celebrate 11 years of marriage. We have four beautiful children, and we have lost 7.
Fred had a vasectomy after Oliver was born. We just couldn't handle losing any more, and Fred said he couldn't handle losing me, if I were to have another ectopic... they are so much more likely after you've had one.

Before I end this, let me just say, when someone loses a baby, just hug them and say how sorry and sad you are. Do NOT say "at least you still have one." Do NOT say "it must have been for a reason" or "something must have been wrong with that baby." Just simply pray for them and tell them that you are praying.

And I will delete any unkind comments to this. I did try birth control, and I don't blame that on my miscarriages. I did want all of my children, and I would have happily had more if I was financially able. I miss my children. I look at Oliver and Ethan, knowing that they were both twins. Will they "feel" that some day? Should I tell them? And when? I kept all of my ultrasounds. I have a tape of beating hearts. And sometimes I just ache for closure, and don't know how to get it. The children I have are just miracles to me. They are absolute miracles, gifts from God.

I do love Easter. I love that God defeated death for us. I know my children are with their heavenly Father. Jesus died to give us all life. I've accepted that gift, with a desperation and urgency...sometimes I just forget how badly I want to see Him and be with Him, and how much I appreciate all He has done for me. And then I remember and it all floods back over me. I want to keep this passion all the time, not just when I am flooded with emotion.

Frankly, sometimes a picture really does say a thousand words. I saw some lovely pictures earlier of beautiful twins boys. So here is my baby boy, when he was about a month old and we were at a homeschool field trip. He was in the baby Bjorn, and Isabelle leaned in to look at him, right as I snapped the picture. Awww...


This God of ours, who gives life and gives it abundantly..wow, isn't He awesome? And then to defeat death! He rose, and conquered all sin and evil in the world, simply because He-- the maker of the universe-- loves US that much. Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

The nest, the work, the tooth

I found a great site on forcing branches, so I used Bradford Pears and Redwoods. They are now blooming in my kitchen, complete with a nest from Jerri. Yes, Jerri redeemed herself and found the nest that she thought had already gone to Good Will. I wish I could post a picture!! I took some, but my computer is not detecting my camera for some reason, and I'll have to figure that out tomorrow. I'm too tired right now.

Speaking of Good Will, my sister has been given the opportunity to do something really neat. She will be giving free haircuts to the children at the local shelter. What an amazing ministry!! Julie is so multi-talented. If you need a hair cut, a cake decorated, a personalized portrait, interior decorating, fashion advice...she's your gal! Someday I'm going to make a fortune being managers for Julie, when she is a famous artist, and my other sister Amy, when she is a world renowned author. Oh, yes, there is talent in my family!

Which brings me to yet another point. How many things can a person do excellently? Looking at my sisters, you'd think that a person can do MANY things and excel at each one. But in my personal life, I find that I can only do about two things really well at any given time.

On the days that I keep the kids on schedule and we get lots of work done, and do it well, I find that I can either keep my house decent or do something crafty. If I try to do "crafty" things with our art time, then we get excited and carried away...and the house goes to pot. On the other hand, I can do lots of crafty things on our days off, and still keep the house decent, but we aren't worrying about school work. I can also trade art for decent exercise, or playdates, or baking afternoons...but I can't do it all.

I just asked some trusted friends about this. They seem to have it all together. You know who you are, with your working Home Management Binders. :-) I'm getting there, oh, yes, I'm getting there. Off like a herd of turtles, as my Mom used to say.

This is about what my day *should* look like:
dishes 2x a day, which takes me a total of 30 minutes (kids unload and put dishes away)
do laundry 2 x a day, which takes me a total of 30-45 minutes (kids help fold and put clothes away)
math 1 hour (yeah, it shouldn't take nearly this long, but it usually does!)
reading 1 hour (Isabelle and Ethan reading aloud)
My Bible time 30 minutes, although I usually start prayinga nd don't spend the whole time reading. Isabelle read sthe Bible aloud, too, so we discuss that.
Bible with kids 30 minutes
handwriting and spelling 30 minutes
geography 20 minutes
history 20 minutes
art 1 hour (heh heh...I have a weakness for art, and we don't always cap the time at an hour)
music 30 minutes (during which time we do "crazy dancing." This is not exactly the typical "music appreciation" or instrument instruction time)
PE 1 hour (read: run and play in yard or park)
cooking, 3x a day takes a total of 1- 1 1/2 hours, longer on days that I bake, too
vacuuming 1-3 x day 20 minutes each time (I have a crawler, so frequent vacuuming is absolutely necessary!)
phone calls 30 minutes, and I only answer when I have to, I really prefer email
bills 30 minutes (this doesn't deserve color!)
walking 20 minutes
night-time reading to kids 20 minutes
baths for kids 1 hour!! Yes, to bath all four it take AT LEAST one hour.
time with Fred depends on what he wants to do. We like outdoor activities, like walking, biking, fire pit, etc. And he likes for me to watch movies with him, so I usually fold laundry at the same time. Then he makes fun of me for not being able to sit still. Hehee.
computer ?
sleep - whatever is left

So, my question to you is how do I fit more in? Or do I try to fit more in? Suzanne just posted about this, too. Would God give us these desires do be artistic, to want to learn and do, if He wasn't going to let us fulfill them? Is this a matter of patience? Should I just wait until my kids are grown before I try to fulfill any of my artsy fartsy urges? Or should I just try to include them more? I can decoupage with them, but sketching a serious picture isn't at all easy with four kids underfoot. And, yes, I can use my evening time to do that... but then "therapy" (blogging) would be out. And if I don't do at least half of my household chores at night, then I take time away from the kids the next day to accomplish those things.
Oh bother, as Eeyore says. How do you know what to do and when and how much?

Quick prayer request, too: My tooth is KILLING me, I mean I seriously just want to grab pliers and yank the sucker out. I think it's abscessed. Pray for healing, or pain relief, and pray that the dentist will take immediate action tomorrow. Thanks!!

Tired of pretending...

I'm tired. Tired of holding it all together. Sometimes I really feel like I am near my breaking point. I'd love to be one of those "perfect" homeschool moms. You know, the ones with the working schedule, nice and tidy house, daily experiments, and clean baby. But, no, I just can't do it. I've tried and tried and I just get totally stressed out, sleep-deprived, and start to lose my mind.

I have so many weaknesses and faults. How can I overcome all of this? How can I keep my focus and get my priorities straight? I'm always hesitant to post how I really feel, because I know that my sisters read this, my grandparents read this. I want to "save face" and look good. Doesn't everyone want to *seem* like they have it together? Ah, but it's just an act.

Some days I feel like I'm doing so well. We get our lessons done in a timely manner, do hands-on activities, the kids get along. They are often complimented in public, and then I think that I must be doing something right. But we come home and they scream at each other, occasionally hit each other, run down the hall naked, play in paint under the table, you name it. And then I'm wondering if I'm doing everything wrong. Surely I'm not just responsible for the "good stuff" ....and all the bad stuff comes from the immaturity of their age. Am I not responsible for both?

Not that I expect them to be perfect. But, wait...do I expect that? Nah. I even laughed at the whole paint thing. And I don't mind them getting messy when they play. I would never want my kids to judge themselves according to their appearance or what they can accomplish... so why do I hold myself to those standards?

Sometimes I'm so petty. I want to look good and be productive ALL the time. I get very down on myself when my house is terribly messy (although I would never judge someone else based on that very thing!) or our school doesn't get done. I feel so inadequate. And I know that I am. I know that I need God's help. But like one of my favorite authors, Philip Yancey, says, it's hard to know HOW to get God's help. Do you audibly hear Him giving you advice? Do you feel Him actually restraining you when you head down the wrong path? Maybe I'm just not close enough in my relationship right now. :-( I'm beginning to feel so far away...

Does everyone sometimes feel like they're sinking? It's a passing feeling, thankfully. Tomorrow may start completely differently and I'll be a "competent" mom again. But today-- it just started all wrong and I handled it all wrong. Then, even as I considered this and decided to change, I began to act the same way again!! Grrrr.... I know that Satan will use anything he can against us, even our own families and good intentions. The kids began to bicker and I get frustrated. Hmph.

Anyway, I'll post VDay pics soon, of our homeschool party & Trev's FBC class party. Hope you all had a good one!!

Christmas on the Eve

Okay, so we went back to that neck of the woods on Christmas Eve. We had a party at Fred's aunt and uncle's house. We saw Fred's grandma, aunts, uncles, cousin, nieces, and his two other sisters. Lots of yummy food! My kids kept sneaking the summer sausage and chips (things we don't ever have at home.)
Oliver enjoyed opening gifts with Cindy.





There was one major incident when Fre'ds 3-year old niece fell in a pond! Stacy, Cindy, and I had just walked in to say good-bye when it happened. Fred and his Dad were outside with the kids and immediately saw her, thank God. Of course it was nearly freezing outside, and she was frantic. Fred ran for her and began pulling her out. His Dad went ahead and jumped in to get her out faster. Poor little girl. We kept warning the kids to stay away from the water. It's a manmade pond right near the backdoor. Sooo, that was a scary close call, but it all turned out okay.

Football-Fanatic Friday

Freddy Friday


My hubby is getting psyched about football starting soon. He's planning out his fantasy football, and preparing the get Becks (?) magazine thing and the football game point thing through yahoo. Soon it will be football, football, football on every day in this house. It could be worse, so I'm not complaining. At least he doesn't play golf! HA!

I've decided to shorten everyone in my family. They will now be I, E, Mr. T and baby BigO.

I'm starting to stress a little about school starting next month. AGH!!! I never have everything together in time, mainly because I don't anticipate what needs to be put together beforehand. I do have a tentative MOTH schedule in place. I just wrote out our morning routine, too, which consists of saying the pledge, singing the ABCs (for Mr.T's benefit), counting to 100, finding states on the map, naming the seven continents, and so forth. I figure if we do this every morning, it will become easy for the kids to remember everything. I'd like to start with our state and capital the first day and then add one each day.

Anyway, I do have our other curriculums opened and ready. But the thought of getting each next day's assignments and materials ready is scary. I already get behind on the house. (And I'm nursing right now, so I have that excuse to not be folding laundry!)

I'm also behind on bills. In fact, I haven't even looked at them. I told hubby that it would be his responsibilty now. He agreed to that, but he hasn't looked at them either. It's a good thing we have mostly automatic drafts, and the money in the bank to pay them!!

And painting. I'll add that to my "behind list." My bedroom walls are finally done, thanks to my Mom!! YEA! But only half of my furniture is done. It will all be white when I get done with it.

I need a better focus for today: Swimming. It's Member Appreciation Night, so we will go to that. It's going to be my light at the end of the tunnel. Lots more to say, lots of thoughts and things going on, but I'm done nursing now, so I'd better get hoppin'.

frustration

I am tired, but I have so much on my mind, and I'm never alone to even hear myself think. There are always little people needing me to hold them, or break up a fight, explain a word, and so forth. I love my children dearly, but there are times when I just need to be alone. I need quiet. I need no one touching me for a while! But then I look around at my not-so-clean house and I have to make a choice. Will I spend this time cleaning up or will I relax? I want a clean house. In fact, I so badly want order to the chaos that I sometimes think it will drive me crazy.

A few minutes ago, when I was deleting old emails, I came across a personality test. I am an ENFJ (Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging OR "Extraverted Feeling with Introverted Intuition".) It says, "ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity. They have a tendency to be fussy, especially with their home environments." Ah, yes. That’s me. Fussy. I have four little children, but I want the house clean when I wake up.

A sweet friend of mine gave me an article in the local paper. "A divided heart?" It's a good one. The author says the only thing she can completely devote herself to, with no part being wasted, is Jesus Christ. She quotes Matthew 6:33, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." This is worth a try! Am I focusing my energy on living to serve and glorify God? Will everything else just fall into place? Can I relinquish my control and hand it over to Someone who really does know better than me? Pray that I can.